nadya: (mcr: bob & mikey)
Yesterday I dropped a 1,5 litre bottle on my left foot. The bottle was almost full. Now, I just have a very pretty bruise on my foot. And it hurts.
nadya: (do you speek moop?)
Yesterday I had the crappiest day of my life, I was just on nerves all day, everyone was making me sick and I just wanted to close myself in a room and just cry my eyes out. And when I woke up today, I thought that every thing's fine and it's going to be a good day. Only I did have a nervous breakdown, again. Stupid body and it's stupid hormones messing with my head.

And it was the first time that this happened to me, I just wanted to disappear. Was it stress related, was it something else? I don't understand myself.

I finally saw my brother, he came to visit us yesterday. It was so good to see him. And now he's going to visit us more often. I hope so. And he fixed my computer a little bit. At least, it's working better. And how could I think that I didn't have any viruses? 'Cause it's me - I always catch viruses. Stupid me.
nadya: (do you speek moop?)
I’m awkward with boys and I don’t like myself for that. I just don’t know how to act around them. I talk to them like they are my friends, not some potential boyfriends or something. This is probably why it was a disaster when I was dating this guy, 8 years older than me.

And I still identify myself as bisexual, only I’m probably 100% lesbian… Just sometimes I think that I’m not anything; just a girl, who sometimes likes boys and sometimes girls. I just like interesting people and sometimes I fall in love with the wrong kind.

Is it a stupid thing that I’m 21 and I still don’t know surely my sexuality? And I hate that my parents (especially my mom) are waiting for me to find the right guy for me, fall in love and marry him. I just wish for it to happen to, so I won’t disappoint them.
nadya: (Default)
I so wasn't convincing myself yesterday that I wasn't in love with this one person. Really. I didn't. It's just a momentary lapse of sanity or something else. I don't want to be in love. DNW! Acting like a child - it's stupid. And maybe I'm just confusing love with admiration or something else. After all, I don't know what love is. And that person wasn't in classes yesterday, so I could prove to myself that I wasn't in love.

I'm slowly and surely fulfilling my new year's resolution. I've started writing poems again. I'm happy for this, but why do the inspiration come when I'm half asleep already and too tired to reach for a pen and my diary. But at least I'll finally write again.

My favourite pastime at the moment is reading my old diaries. I'm learning so much about myself:

How many time did I want to start my life all over again, how many times did I want to end it. I wanted to find love, I cursed at myself too much. Got confused and hated myself and my body. And how many times did I hate my mother and think that she hates me. Too many times. This is summed up version of my diary (dated from 2007-01 to 2007-11) How many times did I fall in love? I got confused with my sexuality. I'm just a confusing person, and sometimes I don't understand myself.
nadya: (Default)
Today is the day of the party for our year in university. We're going to celebrate that halfway of the whole course is done and now another halfway is left and we're going to finish university. It's really awesome. Times flies to fast.

So, the party should be really great, only I don't know what kind of music the DJ is going to play. But since it's a club, I won't really care about the music. I did promised myself to not get really drunk. Plus, my room-mate said she'll call me up and will ask me to tell our address 3 times fast, and if I pass then I'm not drunk. I have a caring room-mate it seems.

I don't know what to do about twitter. Maybe, I should just quit the loudtwitter thing, so those updates wouldn't be posted automatically here. The things is, those twitter posts serve a great filler in this journal, especially when I don't write normal posts. We'll see. And I'm in love with twitter!

A stupid fact about me is that I don't like posting comments in communities or like I just love reading things and not commenting on them. I guess you can call me a lurker, but when I really really like/love something that I read I will definitely comment. This how I am. And I really don't like it. I did have a success on ij, when I had some awesome online friends, but then I got frustrated with myself and deleted that journal. Stupid me.
nadya: (Default)
My mother had her operation today. It went fine and she probably is going to be in the hospital for 5 more days or so. I don't really know. It's really a disaster at home, when there's no mother around. The plants are dying from not being watered, the cat is being extra stupid and hyper. And there's almost nothing yummy to eat in the fridge.

I'm drinking Pepsi, although I know I shouln't. I won't be able to fall asleep when I have cafeine running through my veins. I'm having fun with twitter, I really do like it. And I love the fact that there is a thing like loudtwitter, so my twitter updates are automatically posted here. And this way it seems that I have a lot of posts. I just want to create a journal, that I won't abandon in a week or two. And I'm tagging the entries stupidly. That's what I am - stupid.

And I'm not carring out my new year's resolution. I'm still not fucking writing things. it's probably 'cause I'm happier now. Plus, I always write poems, when I feel something strongly, and evidently happiness can't trigger the thoughts in my head to rearrange into poems.

My Chemical Romance's song Disenchated became my very favourite of the black parade album after I saw the live version on DVD. It's just amazing how much they put into that song. And Muse's song Map of the Problematique is my fave of this band. Beautiful music and good lyrics. You can see how these two songs affected my layout =]
nadya: (do you speek moop?)
... that is with myself. I just nag myself to post and post in the journal. And only stupid things can come out of this nagging. And sometimes I don't like writing certain things I'm thinking.

The clock is showing 2:22p.m and it's snowing really hard outside. How poetic. It's a white Christmas for me 'cause today is Orthodox Christmas. And I'm drinking Pepsi and listening to FOB. I'm just being stupid and random.

It's the third day in a row that I can't wake up to the sound of my alarm. I hear it ringing, I turn it off and go to sleep again. I don't know how I'm going to wake up tomorrow since I need to catch a bus at 12:50.

I'm trying to get rid of a stupid habit to start every blog with So and write lots of dots when I want to be mysterious. And I need to stop using italics too much too.

Tried to customize my journal with a header and a background - it was horrible. So I'll just leave the journal how it was. The plain layout just shows how plain I am, (yeah, right!). You can see that I love contradicting myself, it's clearly very fun.

I should just end this entry, since I can come up with too many stupid things.
nadya: (matt; whoops)
I do know why I went through so many online journals in the span of several years, it's because I don't know how to write in one. I always write stupid things, uninteresting things. And I easily get tired of that, so I create another journal and the bullshit starts all over again. What can I do? You can't magically turn into an interesting person, unless you just become someone else.

But I've got a paper diary, and the best thing about it is that the only person who'll read it is me. I'm finishing writing the 3rd volume of my diary. And it does help me to be more relaxed. I write things that I don't want others to know about me, I write my feelings down.

The thing about online journals is that I can't really tell you all my most deepest secrets and feelings. I can just write about what my day was or just flail about cute band boys or something. Nothing serious. It seems that I just can't be not serious. My problem.

I'm just ashamed of my feelings.