nadya: (patd: spencer smith)
OK. So, an introduction post. Yes, I'm awkward and all kinds of stupid. I try to be witty, sarcastic or just a bit interesting, it only works on people who don't know me very well.And yes, I'm pitying myself. And it's going to happen a lot in this journal. I tend to pity myself and whine a lot in all of my journals (yeah, I have many).

Back to introduction. I'm 21, a student at Kaunas University of Medicine, studying pharmacy in my 3rd year. I've an older brother and he's pretty awesome. I'll try not to talk about my parents too much, specifically about my mother. She grates on my nerves too much, and I'm not a teenager any more.

I love music, and I love bandom. Aaaand that means I love love love reading fanfiction. Too bad I can't write it. And I won't even try...

English isn't my mother language, so sometimes I make stupid mistakes. So, bear with me, please. Russian is my mother tongue, and I can speak Lithuanian too, since I live in Lithuania I have to know the official language.

I can be random, and sometimes I surprise myself with it. Like, when I eat to much chocolate I get so hyper I can't sit in one place and I drive everyone around me mad. And sometimes I even sing Britney Spears, which is a terrible, but a funny sight.

I'm not going to write a lot about myself 'cause the thing is I don't fucking understand myself, so summing myself up in one post definitely won't cover every aspect. And I think, no one can sum themselves in one little tiny post.
nadya: (do you speek moop?)
I’m awkward with boys and I don’t like myself for that. I just don’t know how to act around them. I talk to them like they are my friends, not some potential boyfriends or something. This is probably why it was a disaster when I was dating this guy, 8 years older than me.

And I still identify myself as bisexual, only I’m probably 100% lesbian… Just sometimes I think that I’m not anything; just a girl, who sometimes likes boys and sometimes girls. I just like interesting people and sometimes I fall in love with the wrong kind.

Is it a stupid thing that I’m 21 and I still don’t know surely my sexuality? And I hate that my parents (especially my mom) are waiting for me to find the right guy for me, fall in love and marry him. I just wish for it to happen to, so I won’t disappoint them.
nadya: (Default)
I try to pretend to be a hard ass, to be someone cool. I'm really not. I'm just a stupid sweetheart, a goody-two-shoes. Sometimes I put up a front. And I try to be someone else. And I don't really know who I am. And I don't understand what I'm trying to say, do you?

I'm trying to change myself. I need to find good friends or I'll be alone forever. I can only change the way I look, I don't really know how to change my inside world. I tend to drive people away. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. Stupid.

I write in a normal diary, I love listening to different music, I read stupid books and sometimes not so stupid, sometimes I read mangas, kids literature. I think I'm nothing, a no one. You shouldn't pay attention to me. I get attached to people easily. Maybe this is where the problem is. But I don't have that many people to spend my free time. Loser - this is what I am. And even other losers don't want to spend time with me. And it's a Friday's evening - and I'm sitting at the computer, listening to music. It doesn't really make me an interesting person, does it? Rhetorical question.

I think of myself as cynic, but I love life too. Sometimes I don't feel anything, sometimes I feel too much. And I hate it. I don't have a purpose to live and I don't understand the why. Why do I have to live? Another rhetorical question.

And I wanted to keep this journal pity free. Guess, it can't be helped especially when it comes to the person like me.

Other news: I went shopping alone today, and how I hate shopping alone. But I bought some awesome clothes and I went to a book-store and found the first part of Hellsing manga there. I've read the half of it already. Now I need to wait for other parts to be sent to the book store. How long will it take them? Probably forever.

I'm going home to parents tomorrow. Another 6 a.m wake up call. But I'll see my cat and talk to my parents and maybe even meet up with people, if everything goes good.

And tomorrow is Valentine's Day. And I don't even want to talk about it. It's going to be just another day.

December 2013

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