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Sort of a pity party post.
Aug. 18th, 2010 03:00 pmContains ramblings and thoughts that is hard to follow. Even I'm having a hard time.
The problem this time and all the other times is love. That's the problem that always follows me. I don't think that I asked my mother what love is and how do you know when you're in love, when I was a little kid. And now I don't know how to tell if I am really in love. I think I just mix up the feelings for my friends with thinking that I'm in love with some of them. It has happened a couple of time already.
My thoughts on this, is that I didn't have really close friends when I was a child and now when someone is genuinely concerned with my well being. They are being good friends, and I just get a crush on them and fall in love then. I can't seem to see when a person really is interested in me.
I am kind of stupidly out of the loop on everything concerning love. I had one boyfriend in my 2 year of university, but it didn't lead to anything. He wasn't the type of person for me. I had my first kiss with him, I was 20 then. And to be honest with you I am still a virgin. I am kind of ashamed of this, but this is who I am.
I don't know how to act with a guy, so he'd understand that I like him more than a friend. I act with all of them like a good friend. I joke around, I talk to them, I try being nice.
I'm just confused.
The biggest problem concerning love with me, is that I live in a sort of fantasy world. I daydream a lot. It's like, it's better to dream about something that have it in real life.
And I have this thing that since like 15 years old I can't understand if I like girls or not. I should seriously see a psychologist. Maybe he could help. One time I had this really ugly fight with a friend from my class, and I ran after her crying, asking for an apology and she wouldn't and then she didn't talk to me for a couple of days. I was heartbroken and really sad. And only couple of years later that maybe I was in love with her, and I just didn't understand that...
Mu mind is fucked up.
And this time I fell in love with this one awesome guy, who is a great friend of mine. I was trying to tell him that I like him before the summer break, but I was a chicken shit. I said to myself that he will find a girlfriend during summer and I will kick myself for that and I will regret not telling him about my feelings. You can guess, that he did find a GF. And she is awesome, she really is. And I don't hate her, I just dislike myself for being typical me...
I hope, that someday, this typical me will find someone.
And I've been telling myself that I really don't need a boyfriend (or maybe girlfriend) to have fun and enjoy life.
I will get over him and I will go on living. I just have to stop thinking about him to much.
The problem this time and all the other times is love. That's the problem that always follows me. I don't think that I asked my mother what love is and how do you know when you're in love, when I was a little kid. And now I don't know how to tell if I am really in love. I think I just mix up the feelings for my friends with thinking that I'm in love with some of them. It has happened a couple of time already.
My thoughts on this, is that I didn't have really close friends when I was a child and now when someone is genuinely concerned with my well being. They are being good friends, and I just get a crush on them and fall in love then. I can't seem to see when a person really is interested in me.
I am kind of stupidly out of the loop on everything concerning love. I had one boyfriend in my 2 year of university, but it didn't lead to anything. He wasn't the type of person for me. I had my first kiss with him, I was 20 then. And to be honest with you I am still a virgin. I am kind of ashamed of this, but this is who I am.
I don't know how to act with a guy, so he'd understand that I like him more than a friend. I act with all of them like a good friend. I joke around, I talk to them, I try being nice.
I'm just confused.
The biggest problem concerning love with me, is that I live in a sort of fantasy world. I daydream a lot. It's like, it's better to dream about something that have it in real life.
And I have this thing that since like 15 years old I can't understand if I like girls or not. I should seriously see a psychologist. Maybe he could help. One time I had this really ugly fight with a friend from my class, and I ran after her crying, asking for an apology and she wouldn't and then she didn't talk to me for a couple of days. I was heartbroken and really sad. And only couple of years later that maybe I was in love with her, and I just didn't understand that...
Mu mind is fucked up.
And this time I fell in love with this one awesome guy, who is a great friend of mine. I was trying to tell him that I like him before the summer break, but I was a chicken shit. I said to myself that he will find a girlfriend during summer and I will kick myself for that and I will regret not telling him about my feelings. You can guess, that he did find a GF. And she is awesome, she really is. And I don't hate her, I just dislike myself for being typical me...
I hope, that someday, this typical me will find someone.
And I've been telling myself that I really don't need a boyfriend (or maybe girlfriend) to have fun and enjoy life.
I will get over him and I will go on living. I just have to stop thinking about him to much.
