Think happy thoughts!

So, yesterday evening was awesome. And I'm totally considering that it was a date. We went to see the new Chronicles of Narnia movie in 3D. It was epic and amazing!

And after that we went to a café for a desert - I ordered this monstrous desert of ice cream and whipped cream. The waitress asked if it was going to be shared between the two of us. It's a good thing that I said yes, she brought 2 spoons for us, because I wouldn't have eaten it all myself.

And I did kiss him. At least, on the cheek, but still - I've wanted to kiss him for a long time now. I don't know how I didn't freak out, it was nice kissing him. And I think he kind of felt good about me kissing him.

And I texted him about maybe going out for a walk together today. And as I was sending the text, I could only think if I was going to regret this text later or not. But he did reply and did agree on going to a walk. So, right now, my legs kind of hurt from all the walking, but my mood is awesome, I'm feeling almost as great as I did after yesterday's date.

And maybe tomorrow we'll go out again, just this time with our friends. Maybe, go to see the city's main Christmas tree in the city's centre. And then a new mall was opened yesterday, so maybe we'll visit that - just to see what's the deal with it is.

Maybe, something will blossom out of this or maybe not. At least, I'm trying now to get him to be mine or something...

Contains ramblings and thoughts that is hard to follow. Even I'm having a hard time.

The problem this time and all the other times is love. That's the problem that always follows me. I don't think that I asked my mother what love is and how do you know when you're in love, when I was a little kid. And now I don't know how to tell if I am really in love. I think I just mix up the feelings for my friends with thinking that I'm in love with some of them. It has happened a couple of time already.

My thoughts on this, is that I didn't have really close friends when I was a child and now when someone is genuinely concerned with my well being. They are being good friends, and I just get a crush on them and fall in love then. I can't seem to see when a person really is interested in me.

I am kind of stupidly out of the loop on everything concerning love. I had one boyfriend in my 2 year of university, but it didn't lead to anything. He wasn't the type of person for me. I had my first kiss with him, I was 20 then. And to be honest with you I am still a virgin. I am kind of ashamed of this, but this is who I am.

I don't know how to act with a guy, so he'd understand that I like him more than a friend. I act with all of them like a good friend. I joke around, I talk to them, I try being nice.

I'm just confused.

The biggest problem concerning love with me, is that I live in a sort of fantasy world. I daydream a lot. It's like, it's better to dream about something that have it in real life.

And I have this thing that since like 15 years old I can't understand if I like girls or not. I should seriously see a psychologist. Maybe he could help. One time I had this really ugly fight with a friend from my class, and I ran after her crying, asking for an apology and she wouldn't and then she didn't talk to me for a couple of days. I was heartbroken and really sad. And only couple of years later that maybe I was in love with her, and I just didn't understand that...

Mu mind is fucked up.

And this time I fell in love with this one awesome guy, who is a great friend of mine. I was trying to tell him that I like him before the summer break, but I was a chicken shit. I said to myself that he will find a girlfriend during summer and I will kick myself for that and I will regret not telling him about my feelings. You can guess, that he did find a GF. And she is awesome, she really is. And I don't hate her, I just dislike myself for being typical me...

I hope, that someday, this typical me will find someone.

And I've been telling myself that I really don't need a boyfriend (or maybe girlfriend) to have fun and enjoy life.

I will get over him and I will go on living. I just have to stop thinking about him to much.

Three week for dreamwidth have passed and it was awesome! =D I'm glad I participated. And I finally posted what I've thought about for a long time - the picspams. I loved making them, it was really fun.

I've been remembering my lost hobby of crocheting and it has been going great. I've already done one serviette (I don't really know the proper word for this, if you do, please tell me) and began another and it's going to be finished soon. They are all kind of small, but they will mostly be used to put under vases or some other things.

( my finished little creation )

These past 3 or even more, I've been wishing on double digits on clocks, wishing the same fucking wish. I know it won't come true if I don't act out on it myself, but it's so much easier being a coward and letting some opportunities pass me by. This time, as always, the opportunity is love. And I'm a hopeless cowardly romantic... I'm a loser.

One of my room-mates has gone home for 2 weeks and me and my other room-mate decided to move some furniture around. It's kind of awesome. We didn't move her stuff of course, just moved furniture in my part of the room. But I still feel, when the room-mate comes back she will be really upset, angry and mostly will try to say that we should've asked her if we could move stuff around. She's really obnoxious.

Feeling down a little bit. Realised that I definitely seriously stupidly fell in love and right now I don't know what to do. On one hand, it's a good thing, but on the other - not so great. I really should just ask him out and if he says no, I'll just move on. But I know myself, I'm a coward, I won't be able to ask him.

I feel like shit right now. I shouldn't be left alone when I'm sad, then all kinds of bad thought visit me. Like, 1) no one loves me; 2) I'm an ugly girl 3) I'm fat and I need to lose weight and then I'll be pretty (although I weight like 54 kg) 4) sometimes my mind remembers when I was in 10th grade and most of the time I was a sad little emo person and I wanted to die.

It's sad to be me sometimes, although all the other times I'm a happy person. Just sometimes I hit the low points in life and they are ugly. I think it's not that ugly inside my head like other people experience, but sometimes it gets quite ugly.

I've training today, sports should beat the shit out of the sadness - it usually does. And then in the evening me and some friends from uni will probably go somewhere. Maybe that will cheer me up.

To cheer myself up and to cheer everyone reading this, have a Patrick gif made by craww

I so wasn't convincing myself yesterday that I wasn't in love with this one person. Really. I didn't. It's just a momentary lapse of sanity or something else. I don't want to be in love. DNW! Acting like a child - it's stupid. And maybe I'm just confusing love with admiration or something else. After all, I don't know what love is. And that person wasn't in classes yesterday, so I could prove to myself that I wasn't in love.

I'm slowly and surely fulfilling my new year's resolution. I've started writing poems again. I'm happy for this, but why do the inspiration come when I'm half asleep already and too tired to reach for a pen and my diary. But at least I'll finally write again.

My favourite pastime at the moment is reading my old diaries. I'm learning so much about myself: