nadya | Just same old shit. (Reply)

You know what I think? I think that I’m a pretty pathetic person. I don’t think before speaking, and that leaves me with hurting people. Sometimes I think that the bulling at school made me a really mean bitch. Ans it’s like I’m taking all my anger I felt at school at all these people who aren’t guilty of me being this angry… I’m just a stupid 19 year old, who still feels as though she is a small child. I don’t want to grow up, that’s for sure.

What I really think is that I need a friend, who will always be there for me, and I will be there for him/her. That’s it - just a friend. Someone to tell my stupid wishes to, my dreams - and talk about my non-existence love life.

I’m angry at the world, and I’m angry at myself - I think I’m just being disappointed in myself. I never wanted to become a person who always hurts others. I have too much insecurities and talking about them isn’t really easy. And there’s probably one to none people who would like to learn more about me. To know the real me. No one really wants to do that because it’s easier for people to think that I’m some kind of obsessed, crazy, hyper, angry “little” girl… I can add only one thing to this description is that I’m a person who needs some loving…

And really, when I think about it (I really need to think more often) - when I hurt somebody, they usually have someone to talk and bitch about me to, but you hurt me and I don’t know where to put my emotions. ‘Cause telling someone from my group in uni about my hurt, will seem as though I’m a whiny girl and plus I don’t really have very close friends in the university. Telling my mother or father is even worse ‘cause I’m not close to my family. Telling my brother - no, thank you, he is 12 years older that me - and he has his own problems. My best friend, and friends from my home town? Why would they listen to my problems, when they probably have already moved on….

The most stupid thing is that being 21 did change a lot of feelings and some of those feelings I felt when I was 19 are still there. It seems that I’m not capable of changing myself and taking care of my problems. Like at all. But... now I can proudly say that I do have good friends in uni!