Think happy thoughts!

1. I'd been freaking out yesterday with the thought that today I was getting a tattoo. There were so many paranoid thoughts, what if it comes out bad or what if it'll hurt so bad I wont be able to stand the pain... And the most important question I'd been asking myself - was I really ready for a tattoo? Do I really need those words on my body.

When I was going to my appointment today, I was nervous as hell. I wrote to my friend A, pleading her to tell me to stops freaking out and she wrote me the best SMS ever: "STOP FREAKING OUT. THINK HAPPY THOUGHT." Those were the words, and what do I really love about that text is that those 3 last words are now tattooed on my body! I've been wanting to have them tattooed for the last 5 years or something and now it finally have happened!

I thought it would hurt really bad, but the pain was bearable, at some point it did hurt bad, but I could cope. There were no tears shed, thankfully.
( photo of a fresh tattoo )

2. I went to visit my friends in Kaunas this Saturday, it was one of my friend's birthday, which we celebrated in a bar and as per usual got a very big bill. =D But firstly me and A went to see This Mean War. We've been waiting for that movie for a long time. We both thought that the movie would suck and we'll be just looking at T.Hardy all the time. But surprisingly for both of us, it was a really good movie. I really enjoyed it. And if DVD comes out in our country, I will definitely buy it! =D

I'm getting crazy here, almost mad. It's 4 days break due to national holiday here and I thought about staying at the dormitory and studying for 2 tests that I have next week. But everything is driving me mad and it's only Saturday and I'm feeling like tomorrow should definitely be Monday. I'm CRAZY! I should've gone home to my parents, these 4 days would've been more pleasant there and I wouldn't be feeling so alone and mad and crazy and all headache-y.

And the tests next week are getting to me already, and I barely started revising for them. Drug Chemistry is the worst thing ever. The teacher demands too much from us, but she barely gives us any useful information while reading the lecture and we don't have any good books. It's like we should be pulling information from thin air. ;__;

And I'm going for a walk everyday 'cause I can't stand being in this room. It's like the walls are closing in on me. I guess, at least I've learned my lesson - don't stay at the dormitory when there's a more than 3 days break from studying and just go home.

Here, have a Cheshire cat to distract you from my pathetic little post:

Yesterday I had the crappiest day of my life, I was just on nerves all day, everyone was making me sick and I just wanted to close myself in a room and just cry my eyes out. And when I woke up today, I thought that every thing's fine and it's going to be a good day. Only I did have a nervous breakdown, again. Stupid body and it's stupid hormones messing with my head.

And it was the first time that this happened to me, I just wanted to disappear. Was it stress related, was it something else? I don't understand myself.

I finally saw my brother, he came to visit us yesterday. It was so good to see him. And now he's going to visit us more often. I hope so. And he fixed my computer a little bit. At least, it's working better. And how could I think that I didn't have any viruses? 'Cause it's me - I always catch viruses. Stupid me.

I try to pretend to be a hard ass, to be someone cool. I'm really not. I'm just a stupid sweetheart, a goody-two-shoes. Sometimes I put up a front. And I try to be someone else. And I don't really know who I am. And I don't understand what I'm trying to say, do you?

I'm trying to change myself. I need to find good friends or I'll be alone forever. I can only change the way I look, I don't really know how to change my inside world. I tend to drive people away. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. Stupid.

I write in a normal diary, I love listening to different music, I read stupid books and sometimes not so stupid, sometimes I read mangas, kids literature. I think I'm nothing, a no one. You shouldn't pay attention to me. I get attached to people easily. Maybe this is where the problem is. But I don't have that many people to spend my free time. Loser - this is what I am. And even other losers don't want to spend time with me. And it's a Friday's evening - and I'm sitting at the computer, listening to music. It doesn't really make me an interesting person, does it? Rhetorical question.

I think of myself as cynic, but I love life too. Sometimes I don't feel anything, sometimes I feel too much. And I hate it. I don't have a purpose to live and I don't understand the why. Why do I have to live? Another rhetorical question.

And I wanted to keep this journal pity free. Guess, it can't be helped especially when it comes to the person like me.

Other news: I went shopping alone today, and how I hate shopping alone. But I bought some awesome clothes and I went to a book-store and found the first part of Hellsing manga there. I've read the half of it already. Now I need to wait for other parts to be sent to the book store. How long will it take them? Probably forever.

I'm going home to parents tomorrow. Another 6 a.m wake up call. But I'll see my cat and talk to my parents and maybe even meet up with people, if everything goes good.

And tomorrow is Valentine's Day. And I don't even want to talk about it. It's going to be just another day.